I’m hoping to get some answers today so that I can make some forward movement on getting out of this relationship. There’s a packet of papers I have to pick up in town. I have no idea what’s in them, but hopefully there is something.
It just been a period of waiting. The man is on his best behavior. He also had a health scare. High blood pressure. Go figure. He seems to have gotten it under control so at least he can keep working. He’s probably going to have to stay on the meds though at least until he loses some weight and makes actual changes to his diet. No caffeine, less salt…exercise…LOL… I feel torn about my response to the “crisis”. On the one hand it would make things much easier if he just popped his top. But he is the father of my son and after 19 years of caretaking him it was hard not to make a semi-effort to be supportive. I bought him 1/2 caff coffee and tried to make dinners without as much sodium content. And then left it at that. His health is up to him. I’m leaning towards just letting it be…I was true to myself and acted as a caring person would, but not beyond that.
My therapist asked me if I had given anymore thought to how growing up with my mother was still affecting my life now. I told her I hadn’t because thinking about my mom makes me tired. But of course, I have thought of this week. And my answer is that yes, there is one particular way I am still affected by my upbringing. I don’t speak up. Particularly I don’t speak up when it seems useless. And I do have a pretty low threshhold for that…if I’m ignored more than twice, then I just don’t see a point in trying to be heard. I”m doing much better at this at work. But I feel confident there. And between not feeling that way at home and just being tired of being ignored so much I don’t speak out at home. About anything. I’ll be angry about stupid stuff…like not having hot coffee in the morning because he’s too stupid to pay attention to when I do get up to leave it on…instead of just saying “Hey! Turn the coffee on again before you leave!”. My therapist asked me to try and ask him this. So I did. And it worked. I now have hot coffee in the morning. Sigh.
I know part of me is upset it was this easy. Because if I can stay angry with him, then I stay determined to leave before the boy graduates. The nicer he is, the more he cooperates, the harder it gets. But the easier life gets. You know? Its hard being angry all the time. And part of me says “You have to get good at this in ALL aspects of your life.” I have to be confident all the time. Not just situationally. Or as close to it as possible anyway…nothing is 100%. I can’t change outside of home only. As much as I would like to leave him completely in the dark that things are seriously wrong, I will not be able to. For myself. I have to make these changes unilaterally. And if he gets the hint that I am seriously unhappy, seriously willing to stand up for myself and seriously not about to take his crap, well…maybe that’s a good thing.
I have thought about actually talking to him again about a divorce. Without any friends, without me to drink with and with his high blood pressure he hasn’t been drinking near as much. So he would be sober. And maybe we could settle some things. But there is part of me who wants to bushwhack him, and hard! So far the bitch is winning and the nice/fair half of me is letting it go. I just have to think about this in terms of what’s best for MY interests.
We’ll see. The papers today, speaking up more at home and being less angry, how far is he willing to bend, how long until the next blow up? Will he get laid off for a week tomorrow? Will I kill him for being in my hair all the time? Lots of questions. No answers. Yep, waiting and thinking…that’s me.
