Or maybe its just the middle of the end. It certainly isn’t the beginning of the end…that was 5 years ago…or maybe 15…I guess that part doesn’t really matter. This marriage/relationship has been leading a VERY slow death…sheesh. But I like to believe that things happen for a reason and in their own time. I try not to beat myself up too much for being so very slow in the Wake Up and Smell the Crap department. Staying for so long has given me the chance to raise my son how I wanted and how he needed. We’re both old enough now that being a little more poor and him having to do more for himself isn’t going to kill us.
Having finally decided to leave has left me open to a whole host of new issues. I can hear you thinking “Well, duh!” LOL and I knew it would, but sometimes they take me by surprise. This weekend my heart finally came to the conclusion that my brain made a long time ago: the man does NOT love me…and more? I deserve someone who will! So I had a mourning period and cried about it and got over it. Now that my heart has finally gotten done hoping for things that won’t be, I find myself with a dilemma…exactly what box does the man fit into? He’s big time into denial that things are seriously wrong, so he mostly keeps acting like his usual stupid self and I keep trying to spend as little time as possible around him. I ignore him when possible, leave the room when he enters…and put him in his place when needed, his minimal parenting skills are NOT needed, so take a hike mike! But I still need him to pay the bills and occasionally give me money. We are still married and half of what’s his is mine and I have damn well earned it now that he has it. But I don’t want to be nice about it anymore. You know? He is my husband, legally, but he’s not in my heart. He isn’t even someone I would want to be friends with. So he’s basically this lump I live with, share a child with and have to get along with…sort of…until I can get what I really want from him: my freedom, my boy and some money! Maybe some stuff….I like my new tv. LOL
We haven’t had a serious conversation in months…I’m avoiding it because I don’t want to spill the beans before the paperwork is ready and he avoids it because he doesn’t want to deal with it. The one time he came close to opening up the can of worms was when he asked why I had stopped drinking the hard stuff and I told him I quit because I wasn’t going to let myself be put in the position that I was the last time I drank vodka. He just said “Oh… yeah” and let it go. I still wonder how much he remembers…douche.
So, this is just me rambling and trying to straighten things out in my own head. I don’t think I really accomplished much this time, except to just get some stuff out.
