Having finally decided to leave has left me open to a whole host of new issues. I can hear you thinking “Well, duh!” LOL and I knew it would, but sometimes they take me by surprise. This weekend my heart finally came to the conclusion that my brain made a long time ago: the man does NOT love me…and more? I deserve someone who will! So I had a mourning period and cried about it and got over it.   Now that my heart has finally gotten done hoping for things that won’t be, I find myself with a dilemma…exactly what box does the man fit into? He’s big time into denial that things are seriously wrong, so he mostly keeps acting like his usual stupid self and I keep trying to spend as little time as possible around him. I ignore him when possible, leave the room when he enters…and put him in his place when needed, his minimal parenting skills are NOT needed, so take a hike mike! But I still need him to pay the bills and occasionally give me money. We are still married and half of what’s his is mine and I have damn well earned it now that he has it. But I don’t want to be nice about it anymore. You know? He is my husband, legally, but he’s not in my heart. He isn’t even someone I would want to be friends with. So he’s basically this lump I live with, share a child with and have to get along with…sort of…until I can get what I really want from him: my freedom, my boy and some money! Maybe some stuff….I like my new tv. LOL

We haven’t had a serious conversation in  months…I’m avoiding it because I don’t want to spill the beans before the paperwork is ready and he avoids it because he doesn’t want to deal with it. The one time he came close to opening up the can of worms was when he asked why I had stopped drinking the hard stuff and I told him I quit because I wasn’t going to let myself be put in the position that I was the last time I drank vodka. He just said “Oh… yeah” and let it go. I still wonder how much he remembers…douche.

So, this is just me rambling and trying to straighten things out in my own head. I don’t think I really accomplished much this time, except to just get some stuff out.

It just been a period of waiting.  The man is on his best behavior. He also had a health scare. High blood pressure. Go figure. He seems to have gotten it under control so at least he can keep working. He’s probably going to have to stay on the meds though at least until he loses some weight and makes actual changes to his diet. No caffeine, less salt…exercise…LOL… I feel torn about my response to the “crisis”. On the one hand it would make things much easier if he just popped his top. But he is the father of my son and after 19 years of caretaking him it was hard not to make a semi-effort to be supportive. I bought him 1/2 caff coffee and tried to make dinners without as much sodium content. And then left it at that. His health is up to him. I’m leaning towards just letting it be…I was true to myself and acted as a caring person would, but not beyond that.

My therapist asked me if I had given anymore thought to how growing up with my mother was still affecting my life now. I told her I hadn’t because thinking about my mom makes me tired. But of course, I have thought of this week. And my answer is that yes, there is one particular way I am still affected by my upbringing. I don’t speak up. Particularly I don’t speak up when it seems useless. And I do have a pretty low threshhold for that…if I’m ignored more than twice, then I just don’t see a point in trying to be heard. I”m doing much better at this at work. But I feel confident there. And between not feeling that way at home and just being tired of being ignored so much I don’t speak out at home. About anything. I’ll be angry about stupid stuff…like not having hot coffee in the morning because he’s too stupid to pay attention to when I do get up to leave it on…instead of just saying “Hey! Turn the coffee on again before you leave!”. My therapist asked me to try and ask him this. So I did. And it worked. I now have hot coffee in the morning. Sigh.

I know part of me is upset it was this easy. Because if I can stay angry with him, then I stay determined to leave before the boy graduates. The nicer he is, the more he cooperates, the harder it gets. But the easier life gets. You know? Its hard being angry all the time. And part of me says “You have to get good at this in ALL aspects of your life.” I have to be confident all the time. Not just situationally. Or as close to it as possible anyway…nothing is 100%. I can’t change outside of home only. As much as I would like to leave him completely in the dark that things are seriously wrong, I will not be able to. For myself. I have to make these changes unilaterally. And if he gets the hint that I am seriously unhappy, seriously willing to stand up for myself and seriously not about to take his crap, well…maybe that’s a good thing.

I have thought about actually talking to him again about a divorce. Without any friends, without me to drink with and with his high blood pressure he hasn’t been drinking near as much. So he would be sober. And maybe we could settle some things. But there is part of me who wants to bushwhack him, and hard! So far the bitch is winning and the nice/fair half of me is letting it go. I just have to think about this in terms of what’s best for MY interests.

We’ll see. The papers today, speaking up more at home and being less angry, how far is he willing to bend, how long until the next blow up? Will he get laid off for a week tomorrow? Will I kill him for being in my hair all the time? Lots of questions. No answers. Yep, waiting and thinking…that’s me.

So, my mom. My childhood. What did I manage to survive without repeating the process? Here are a few stories and comments that I remember best:

When I was 4 my mom set up her chair right next to the full kiddie pool and told me that if I splashed her with the ball I was playing with I would be in big trouble. Guess what? Yep. The ball hit the water, the water hit my mom and I took off running around the house screaming “Don’t kill me! Don’t kill me!” She got my dad to sucker me inside, where I got a pretty good beating with a wooden spoon.

In reference to my younger (by 3 years) brother “I don’t have to spank him, I just have to raise my voice and he listens. I have to spank you.”

“I was going to get an abortion, but then your dad said we were getting married, so I kept you.”

“I don’t pay attention to you because you babble.”

I’m told I once wore turtlenecks in the summer when I was 6 because I had bruises in the shapes of fingers on my neck. I then went to live with my grandparents for the second half of 1st grade. It was paradise. I remember missing my mom badly for the first couple of weeks. Looking back now it seems like a sort of Stockholm Syndrome. LOL

When I was 13 she threw all my clothes and stuff into the backyard because I wasn’t keeping my room clean enough and it was smelly. Having had a teenage girl in the house, I can understand this desperation. It was the threat to send me to the girls home that was a little too much. At this time she worked for CPS…so yeah…I believed her.

At 16, she pinned me to the wall by my neck and told me she could kill me and make it look like a suicide. My younger brother, who was in the house at the time, would believe whatever she told him. She still worked for CPS at the time.  I have no idea what I did that time. I was getting straight A’s, didn’t run around, didn’t drink or smoke or do drugs. She’s crazy.

At about the same time, either my dad was getting uncomfortable with my growing body or she was, because they sat me down to tell me that I should be more modest at bedtime (wearing a nightgown and having the sheet pulled up to my waist wasn’t good enough I guess) and stop trying to tempt dad when he came in to say good night. My dad actually said “I don’t find you attractive.” To a teenage girl??? Who has body and self esteem issues now? Yeah.

When I was 11 or so, I wanted to play hockey. I would have made a great goalie. But she said no because I “never finished what I started”. Like gymnastics. Yeah, its hard to be interested in something you aren’t really good at. And you’re 5! This is just the best example of the constant demoralizing attitude she had towards me.

There were long sessions of sitting at the table and discussing what my attitude problems were and what could I do about them. I mostly remember being in a state of confusion about what she meant and even greater confusion about what I could say to get out of it.

I was a stubborn child. One of those “spirited” kids they write books about. And rather than channel it, as I have tried to do with my boy, she tried to grind it out of me. There was no talking back. No discussions she didn’t start or approve of. You couldn’t disagree or be mad at her. I mean angry. “Dogs get mad, people get angry.” Pick, pick, pick! You couldn’t say “I’m mad you because…..” You might be able to say “I get angry when you…” If it was in the right format it might fly. You could at least say it. Didn’t change or mean a damn thing, but you could get it out there. I was also a straight A student. I didn’t do the things most troubled teens do. I was well behaved. The worst thing I did was lie. And mostly that was for self-protection…but also normal for kids. “No, I didn’t break that” “He hit me first” those kinds. I was a good kid made to feel she wasn’t…anything…

So I’ve learned that actions speak louder than words and you can’t fight, argue or reason with crazy. I’ve been muted. Why bother? Its a waste of time when no one listens. A self righteous, passive aggressive, martyr with a masters in counselling who worked for CPS. That’s my  mom. That’s what I grew up with. Its what I considered normal. Or its what feels normal. Because I obviously recognized it was wrong enough to NOT raise my child that way. But I was willing to accept the same sorts of behavior from the man for more than 15 years. How can you see something is wrong and yet not see it? How could I think my son deserved better and not think I did too?

I don’t like people who blame their parents for where they are in life. You know what I mean? I don’t want to be that person. My decisions and mistakes are mine.  So trying to reconcile the fact that I am STILL influenced by my childhood and mother so much is hard. I didn’t want to go back there again. I wanted to be done with it. But apparently I am not. I am that little girl still trying to be heard, still trying to be loved, still taking what she gets because its better than nothing and its all she’s worth. I’ll never have closure with my mom. She hasn’t and won’t change. I haven’t talked to her in more than 5 years this time. And I won’t. Which hurts a little. But not as much as struggling to have a sane relationship with her. Its still all about her and if you don’t do things her way, there is hell to pay. And I don’t have to do that anymore. So I don’t.

This blog may not seem like it should be a huge priority, but for me its a measure of progress. I am the queen of procrastination and burying my head in the sand, especially when things are in a lull. And we are in a lull now. It could last a year or more. Our big fights never happen very often. And the small stuff doesn’t seem worth fighting about most times, because it happens daily…and fighting daily is really not something I want to do. He doesn’t listen anyway. It took me 3 tries to get him to stop leaving his wet towel hanging over the toilet paper in my bathroom. Pre-moistened TP is NOT fun! And he still does it sometimes…sigh… So this blog is my way of reminding myself that I really, really, really do want out this time. And its my way of working through these things so I don’t end up in another relationship like this. It is a priority, because I’m a priority. I need to find my spirited self again and nurture her this time, not bury her.

and i might have found some legal help, but only in an advisory sort of way. i still have to find time to call them. tomorrow maybe, before work. there is a packet of papers waiting at the DVC…but i can’t get there until next week…i hope.

i just feel stuck in molasses. i’m tired. i want it to be OVER. every once in a while i have a thought of what life could be like without him and it seems so sunny and peaceful. i want that. now.

I was drinking for camouflage, to bury the pain and loneliness and unhappiness, and I haven’t had a problem with quitting. The hard stuff. I could quit the mike’s too if need be…but my feelings on this are: why should I have to give up feeling normal? Normal people have a drink or two while watching a sports event. Normal people have a drink or two with friends…even the online ones. Since I decided to start dealing with the situation and not just bury my head in the sand for the next 4 years while waiting for the boy to leave, I have not had that gut urge to drink myself silly as soon as I get home. The few mike’s I do drink, I drink so slow, they might as well be coke. I know how it sounds…3 out of 4 of our parents have been or are drug and alcohol counselors…sigh…I am well aware that addicts often deny what they are. But I also know myself. Once I was able to see what was going on, that I needed a clear head, and that it was time to face this crap, that’s all it took. No more all night drinking and playing music into the wee hours once or twice a week, wasting most of the next day, and hangovers.

Blech! I really did not want to write this stuff out.  And I’m getting away from my original point…my frustration with the legal system…and the difficulty of explaining why what he does is just as bad as if he did beat me. “Has he ever abused your child?” No. He doesn’t hit him. With his fists. He uses words and intonations…but mostly he does that to me…while the boy watches…wtf!

I’m so discouraged. I have the number for the local legal aid place…the one that is over an hour away. I will try to call them on Monday before work and see what they can do for me. If there isn’t any way for them help me smack him the face with an already drawn up divorce and parenting plan, then what will I do? I really think surprise is my best option. He won’t have time to try and wheedle/beg/cajole/manipulate the boy into being on his side. But what if it can’t be a surprise? What if I have to be forward about it? Scary!

And more thoughts I had to day at work…yes, cleaning really is a mindless task…I’ve been pretty much acting standoffish, and  I have been speaking up more…but not so much that he’s really noticed. And if I ever plan to be able to stand up for myself in any other relationship, maybe I should start with him and start now. So how do I do that? I’m not good at confrontation, I would rather walk away and not deal with it…duh?!?! So maybe I should stop doing that and start doing the exact opposite. If I would normally just ignore a comment, I could speak up about it. If I don’t want to watch a show/movie with him, instead of just saying I don’t like that show, I should tell him I don’t like that show AND I don’t want to spend time with him. Because he does pick a lot of dumb shows…but I also don’t want to spend time with him.  Maybe its time for him to reap what he has sowed…one hell of a pissed off woman! Maybe it is time for us to talk about that time 1 1/2 months ago that he mistreated our daughter and laid his hands on me. Maybe I should find out what he remembers and what he doesn’t. Maybe.

He’ll never get it though, Abusers never do. They are always right and you are always crazy. You’re just misunderstanding them. He’ll just be hurt that I’m being so mean to him. Or he’ll blame it on my period, or my peri-menopause…anything but himself.  He’ll never understand. He’ll never cop to it. He’ll never, never, never. So it seems like a waste for me to even try. It seems saner for me to just keep to myself and avoid, avoid, avoid.

Its very, very frustrating….

there is no “sugar fairy”. I’m the one filling the damn sugar shaker every time you leave it empty.

need + clingy = unattractive

for the umpteenth million time, when i say i’m broke, it means i have less than $20 to my name. don’t make me ask for money, just freaking give me some.

i might be a self proclaimed crazy cat lady, but that doesn’t mean i should have to be the only one to scoop poop.

when i ask the boy a question, i want his answer, not yours.

saying “your mom is smart” after confirming a statement i make, is NOT a compliment.

no means no, i don’t want yakisoba, i don’t want to watch the stupid alien show, i don’t want to watch the chick flick, etc… NO. stop asking multiple times.

when your daughter asks car repair/problem related questions, don’t get mad at her for not knowing, get mad at yourself for not having taught her in the first place.

asking the boy about his day and then cutting him off midway to talk about yourself  is not good parenting.

asking me about my day and then cutting me off midway to talk about yourself is not good husbanding.

i’ve been faithfully watching football every fall, every sunday for the last 5 years. if its fall and its sunday, why are you surprised to find me watching football?

asking my opinion about the $1500 jeep you are thinking about buying does not make me feel i am an equal when you didn’t ask me about the $3000 jeep you were thinking about buying. saying it, does not make it so.

I could go on and on…but this will do for now. Just needed to get some off my chest. And for more random fun, you could throw “douche”, “dumbass”, “asshat” or “shithead” to the end of any statement and it would be even more true

I’m going to try and save the heavy thinking today for my counseling session tonight. But once you have a rhythm down? Cleaning houses is pretty mindless. So there might be some brain cell activity in preparation for tonight…sigh…as if I haven’t spent the week trying to figure out how to talk to my boy about things.

On that front, I have decided to take things on a day by day basis and deal with issues as they arise. Sort of a warming up for the big talk we will most assuredly have soon.  He made a statement to me yesterday that pretty much sums up how he sees things. We were talking about the cat house and the troubles I was having with it. He told me to wait for the man, that he would be able to help. I told him that I hadn’t even told the man I was going to build it and that I didn’t want to wait or his help. The boy said “Feeling rebellious, are you?” 0-O Yeah. Its a little funny. Sad, but funny. He’s so smart. And I guess  he has a clue what’s up…with the way the man treats me and that I’m not putting up with much anymore. I feel a little better.

As for the man and the cat house…why yes, he did have advice. Unsolicited advice. And I told him that. He offered to help. I said no. That I would do it myself, my way, and if it was a n00b looking project, so be it. I am a n00b carpenter. And honestly? It looks pretty good! I did use one of his suggestions, to hot glue the seams and gaps. That worked wonderfully! And I did later tell him he got a point for a good idea, but that I had to take the point away because I didn’t ask for it. Put that in your pipe and smoke it buddy!

I’m feeling good today. Hopeful. Now if only a darned lawyer would call! LOL